Today

“I just can’t stop thinking about this…” Those are the words that come out of my mouth and I immediately regret it. She says, “Don’t think about it too much. Just enjoy the moment.” Her words jab me in the chest. I’ve always been a worrier. I cannot stop. I have to fix all of my problems right on the spot and as of now, any potential problems that can come our way are most definitely on my lists of things-that-may-cause-doom-in-my-life. She tells me to live in the moment, to just love her and not worry…but at the same time she understands. We both understand that we’re living a dangerous tale. There are so many things that I want to tell her, so many thoughts that run through my head. I can only feel sorry for the both of us at the end of the day since I practically split open my chest and show her all the nooks and kinks. I try to fight it. I really do. I don’t want to have to worry about our potential future. I don’t want this to end… Regardless of all my efforts though, it’s all about my issues with trust, lack of knowledge of her tendency to be loyal and ultimately, the end of, what is now, the best thing in my life. My darker, pessimistic workings slither into my mind, then into my heart and I can feel them. It hurts to know that this may not last… With all my heart, I want it to! I’ve already made it known to her that I am in this for the long-run, that I would do whatever it takes to keep her heart longing for me and visa-versa. She’s the one-of-a-kind girl that a guy like me DREAMS of night and day. She’s the one that I want to experience life with, write songs with and fall asleep with. The more I think about her as a potential life long partner, the more I want it – the more I fall in love. I want to talk more about it for my own sanity’s sake but I know that it would only push her further away from me. It would be the complete deconstruction of my efforts to maintain and savor what we have. All I can do then, logically, is to just sulk to my online blog like every love-sick man in this day and age. All I can do is hope that my dearest Not-What sees this and feels the warmth of what is my love and concern for her. For us.

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